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Dick Jokes for Justice?!

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woohooligan May 9, 2016
woohooligan NEW! Check out our best laughs from 2016!
Patreon supporters can see an alternate ending here.

We all remember the opening line of the Star Wars crawl, "a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away"... how many of us know that George Lucas wrote that line specifically to emphasize the fact that he saw Star Wars as a fairy tale? But to be honest, the Mos Eisley cantina scene doesn't really scream fairy tale as much as it screams spaghetti western. I agree that the original scene was better and I think Lucas' explanation for the change is pretty weak, saying that it made Han a cold-blooded killer, despite the fact that Greedo had just threatened his life while holding a gun on him seconds before the shot! For my money, taking the shot was still self-defense... besides which... if Greedo's so bad a shot that he can't hit a stationary, man-sized target at point blank range, how has he survived as a bounty hunter long enough to even confront Solo?! What, did he get his marksman training from the Imperial Navy? ;)

Either way, Harrison Ford's take on it is probably more like the reality of people who lived on the frontier, "it's a living." I'm sure he enjoyed making the films, after all who wouldn't enjoy being in even one movie, much less several? But he's said that accepting the role of Han Solo before the first film wasn't about loving the script, it was about putting food on the table and repairing his house. That's something Tiffany and I are working through right now. The house we bought a couple years ago is such a wreck... we had five major plumbing leaks in the first week after we moved in. To this day, every window in the house is broken in one way or another and as much as they need it, we just don't have the $30k to replace them. Despite that, I'm taking a leap of faith and avoiding a great deal of high-paying computer engineering work, to bring you this! I believe in people and I believe in laughter! Thank you so much for supporting me and my dream! :D

In the past couple months, my plans to make comedy for a living have been notably slowed... We discovered recently that the neighborhood my mother was living in back in Dallas had gotten really bad and she'd been mugged at gunpoint and a neighbor's son had been shot and killed, both around the holidays. So obviously everyone in the family wanted her out of there. My sister's house was closer, a few hours away in another part of Texas, but since she and my mother get along about as well as Han and Greedo here, I agreed to take her in here in Ohio. Two months and over a thousand dollars later, we're still working to get her settled. I also had to suspend a lot of my usual advertising, which had been working out quite well the month before. But I've been knocked down before. The important thing isn't who shot first or whether you've been knocked down, it's about getting back up! :D

While working on my self-promotion game, I've noticed a strange phenomenon lately: there are a number of comedians getting quite a lot of support from Patreon subscribers by offering bonus content that's NSFW. I'm saying porn, they're drawing porn. (I hope I'm not giving you the vapors!) Remember, that these folks are comedians by trade, and they're drawing porn, and the porn is making them a ton of money to support their comedy.

How hilarious is that? It's a total non-sequitur. It's like saying "hey, welcome to my Patreon where I write historical fiction, but you're probably here for my bonus content, which is film-accurate replicas of Star Trek props!" Not that there's anything wrong with historical fiction or Star Trek, I'm just saying, they don't seem like a vertical-marketing gold mine. I just don't expect to see Vulcans mentioned in someone's Les Miserables fan fiction... although the main character in Les Mis is a prostitute, and the Vulcan Mind Meld would... okay, bad example! But that's not the point.

It's like going to your auto mechanic for dental work. We all need teeth and like transportation, and there's no reason a guy couldn't learn to be both a dentist and an auto mechanic, but it's still fuckin' weird! "Hey bob, I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but I think you want the dental drill, not the pneumatic socket wrench. I'd like to still have teeth after this."

Notable examples in the porn-peddling comedian circuit include:
Oh crap... I don't have any women in that list. Damn you, Patriarchy!

So far the furthest I've gone is a Deadpool Valentine's Day bonus feature for my patrons that included exposed breasts... Which, now that I think about it, I'm not sure why I felt the need to hide them behind a download, because there are naked breasts in some of my earlier comics. D'oh!

In any event, I'm contemplating making some more explicit bonus content on my Patreon in the near future. I haven't done it yet, and I wanted to let everyone know that it would be labelled NSFW and behind a download. So if you decide to pledge to my Patreon you won't get any surprise porn, because you'll have to download it. :)

I see it like stripping to pay for college and live my dream... if stripping will pay the bills and get me to my destination, I'm there! (For the record, stripping won't pay my bills... I totally would, but trust me, nobody wants that!) But making smutty art is something that I can do! :D

The past few months I've earned roughly $1 per hour bringing you these laughs. Do you think this work is worth more than $1 an hour? If so, help out with a pledge on Patreon. For as little as $1 a month, you'll be an important part of the laugh factory and you'll get extra bonus content! :D

Happy belated Mothers' Day! I hope all you moms out there got to shoot first on your special day! :D

You are an important part of Laughter for a Better World!

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