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Published: 11th Jan 2013, 4:52 PM

Armageddon

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woohooligan 11th Jan 2013, 4:52 PM
woohooligan And he's right! This really is the way Armageddon should have ended... not with a bang but with a... wait... no, with a bang, that's right. But honestly, with the number of times people have prophesied the end of the world, who could believe it now? Even if it was NASA, I'm sure we'd all just assume their math was wrong... planet who cried wolf and all.

You'd think over time the number of doomsday predictions would dwindle, but no... If anything it looks like the number of predictions have increased in the new millenium, with an average of more than one doomsday per year in the last thirteen years. So we had the industrial age, the space age, the information age and now we're entering the eschatological age: an age of constant doomsday predictions! At least we'll be entertained. ;P

Let's see... Just since 2000

2000 - This year we had two specific dates: a bunch of people on Jan 1 (related to the Y2K problem), and Tim LaHaye on May 5. That's not to mention a bunch of people who predicted it generically in or around 2000, including Edgar Cayce (the world's most documented psychic -- oops!) and the grandfather of modern physics, Isaac Newton. Wikipedia also lists Jerry Falwell on April 6, but it wasn't really a doomsday prediction, so I'm not really counting it. But even excluding Falwell, that's 2-4 predictions in the first year.

2001 - A columnist for the Nation of Islam predicted the end of the world generically within the year and we're down to an average of 2-3 predictions per year!

2002 - To be generous, I'm not counting the Yoruba priests because I'm not sure they specifically said it would be the end of the world, but they did predict a lot of war, disease and flooding in 2002... I guess that's at least three of the horsemen... War, plague, deluge and death, right? Who can ever remember that 3rd horseman anyway? :P

2003 - Nuclear War predicted in November by the Japanese Aum Shinrikyo cult group, but the fun one was from Nancy Lieder who predicted the Nibiru Collision in may. Apparently she has a brain implant that allows aliens from Zeta Reticuli to forewarn her that Earth will collide with a rogue planet, causing a sudden pole shift and the death of most of mankind. You would think an advanced race of aliens would send this kind of information to oh, I don't know, world leaders maybe? So if you're keeping count with us, that's 4 years and 5-9 predictions.

2006 - The House of Yaweh from Abilene, Texas (my home state), predicted nuclear war starting on Sept 12. (And if you know much about Nuclear war, you know it would pretty well end on Sept 12th.) With a two-year gap we're down to 6-10 in 7 years, so that's nearly one doomsday per year!

2007 - Prected on April 29th by Pat Robertson! Finally, a big name. But he pansied out by predicting it in a book he published in 1990. Come-on! That's nearly two decades into the future! Most of his geriatric fans already choked on their tapioca and died in the interrim! And the rest are too senile now to remember anyway. But now we're at 7-11 doomsdays in 8 years.

2008 - Yay for the Large Hadron Collider! And this one actually kind of falls in that NASA category. Apparently several groups predicted that activating the LHC this year would destroy the Earth via the creation of strangelets or miniature black-holes. And this brings us to 8-12 predictions in 9 years.

2010 - We skipped a year and we get two new predictions: a garden variety doomsday prediction by the Hermetic Order of the Golden Dawn, and another group of folks predicting more death and destruction from the Large Hadron Collider when it's cranked up to half it's full power. I wonder what will happen when we witness the true power of this fully armed and operational battle sta... what was I saying? Oh yeah, so we're still at an average of about one prediction per year with a total of 10-14 for the past 11 years.

2011 - Ramping up to 2012, we had a whopping 4 predictions this year. Ronald Weinland predicted the end again on sEP 29th. This guy apparently doesn't know when to quit, since he's predicted it several times before. I guess if at first you don't succeed... or maybe even a broken record is right twice a day. I'm mixing metaphors again -- doc says it's dangerous, but I like to live on the edge! Come-on! The world is ending! Of course everyone remembers Harold Camping who predicted it on May 21 and then revised his prediction to Oct 21 when that didn't work out for him. These guys really do hold on to their dreams, don't they? Is that one prediction or two? And that's before we count all the people going nuts predicting all kinds of catastrophic events up-to-and-including collission related to the Elenin Comet. Ahh, Elenin! We courted, but you were disingenuous. Elenin Disingenuous, destroyed by a coronal mass ejection from the sun on August 19th. Let that be a lesson to us all; you shouldn't mess around with Helios - he's jealous! So we're up to 13-18 predictions in 12 years and 2012 won't disappoint.

2012 - The big day! We were all so nervous, like blushing first-time brides on our wedding day! We'd been rehearsing this for ages and so hoped nothing would go wrong and we would all die as expected! And we kick it off with a little nostalgia. Remember Ronald Weinland? Well when everybody didn't die in 2011, he revised his plan for the world to end on May 27th. He really is like a dog with a bone, loyal to the end (of the world). José Luis de Jesús, who calls himself "Jesus Christ the Man!" (so that's who's been keeping us down!), the 2nd coming of Christ AND the antichrist all rolled into one and the leader of a Miami cult group, predicted not only that the world governments would collapse on Jun 30, but that he and his followers would be transformed and have the power to fly and walk through walls! Seems like kind of shoddy workmanship for Jesus... you kind of expect more, y'know. Maybe he should talk to David Copperfield about that. Then we come to the big one everyone was waiting for, the Mayan Apocalypse on Dec 21, which was kind of a let-down. I mean, outside of a few jokes (or these) about the Mayan Calendar ending because of the (fake) bacon shortage or the death of Twinkies, there really wasn't a lot of entertainment value from this one. Come on, ancient Mayans! Where's your sense of showmanship? Gallagher would have at least smashed a watermellon! Well the Roland Emmerich film was a close second to the smashed watermellon, so I guess we'll take what we can get. And having nothing better to do with the end of his year since he was in prison at the time, Warren Jeffs, the head of an offshoot of the Mormon church, predicted the end of the world on Dec 23rd. When that didn't work out for him, he moved the date back a week to the 31st, but he blamed everyone not dying on his congregation's lack of faith. ;P "That was awful. If you want to end the world and stuff, you've got to sing loud all the time, so people can hear you!" I guess God told him "well if you guys aren't going to be serious about this, I don't know if I feel like ending the world for you." (This one for me almost makes up for the anticlimactic Mayans.)

That's 16-23 doomsdays in only 13 years! Woohoo!

It looks like things may quiet down in the coming years, since right now there's not another end predicted until 2020 by psychic Jeane Dixon, who got smart after her first prediction in 1962 and decided to move the date back well past the end of her lifetime. But who knows? A lot of these predictions seem to be made at the spur of the moment... you know, when the spirit moves you. So we could see a bumper crop of apocoli spring up any day now!

So what about you hooligans? What are your outlandish predictions for the end of the world? What will start it? Will it be the extinction of bees or a a gumball shortage that drives the world economies into total collapse? Leave a comment with your prediction, why not?! If I laugh out loud at your suggestion, I may draw it as another comic! :D
What's on your mind?
Nemo 19th Jan 2013, 12:40 AM
The world won't end... until I decide I've had enough of it pissing me off. :P
Sigurther 3rd Feb 2013, 7:50 AM
Ghost of a Former Minecrafter - Next end of the world is around 2036 when the Apophis meteor makes it's second trip between the moon and earth and doesn't near-miss us. KABOOM. So, we've got a few decades of peace before the doomsayers start piping up again. Has been going on since the begining, will continue until the end in 40 trillion years. BTW, how can I view past alternate endings for the comics? Links from those comics just go to the NRA one (which is truer than you think).
woohooligan 4th Feb 2013, 9:17 PM
woohooligan Thanks, Sig. The alternate endings will be available in the Woohooligan books when they're printed. I'm currently considering an ebook or two, but haven't made any definite plans on that front yet.
What's on your mind?